Youre my feet when i cant move on

20061030

tt friend.

just got back from training.
i dont know whether it cause im super tired of auntys coming to visit me.
but ive been super moodswing for the past few days.
raah.

i get SUPER pissed when,
1.people tell me to do things when i already know that i shld do it and like as if i dont know that its the right thing to do.
2.people treating me as a substitute. now then etc.
3.not being able to do the things i know i can do!
wah esp the past week man.

so disappointing. service deproved in consistency.

sometimes i feel that im so busy that i neglect everything that im busy with. sigh. someone just tell me what i shld do.
i wish i can have 100hrs in a day. );

prayer meeting was really good. im so glad that i could attend instead of guardianing that day.
He asked me, "how have you been?"
not that He doesnt know, but. i dont even have the time to talk to Him and tell Him exactly how i have been.. or maybe just stop by to ask for Hid opinion.

but i really really know, that. during training whenever i do a good ball. i know it is Him, and it can never be my own strength. i feel like crying la, like so touching. i mean like. He knows what i love to do, and although ive chosen it over attending my own cg day, He still chose to help me along and bless me with the things that i love to do.
honestly, i dont mind sitting on the bench for the next 3yrs. all i want is to be happy when i play volleyball again and do my best to give Him the glory. and to do siii deb and *that friend proud.

11:17 PM

20061026

ohhh

oh well.

haha i hope fri's match would be better, sometimes i wish i can do more than just to sit there and fight in my heart.
anw kaixuan, i lovee and appreciate you for today! (; i dont know, i really felt you fighting.
and siii, i felt your courage altogether.
and phloy my dipsy, everythings going to be just alright, i know.

im so sleepy i think i going to fall aslp now. haha.
what shall i do tmr........
HMMMM.

1:04 AM

20061024

yawww

you know i look at whats going on in your life i feel that you have seriously placed your heart in the wrong place, wrong side of the earth. and i felt grievened (if theres such a word).

i took my Os once and killed it. taught me a huge lesson, and had to bare the pain of lacking a year behind from my friends. also, the pain of not being about to bare a tesimonial for God and do my mom and pop proud.
i guess, if i needed a huge lesson like that to teach me and wake me up, ill say itll do me good.
but ill say i rather learnt lessons not going through the pain cause youll never know what else to come.
so ill pray with all my heart, people will take their examinations seriously, and knowing their priorities.

ANYWAY.
todays outreaaach was funnn. hawhaw. enjoyed myself alot(;
i was really glad yixing was on my team although she was really sleepy today and didnt talk much, but anyway! yx if youre reading this, i enjoyed my entire day with you despite your sleepiness :p
and the others on the team was aaronlim, pohmeng and michelle. haha ykno ill say its good cause i got to know the other people from the our zone alot better.
i think the worlds really small.
michelle happens to know zhizong and jacinth, vb-ers from shs and mj now
and aaron plays volleyball too, though he just started on the sport i think its really cool to know theres someone else i know who shares the same passion as i do!
so exciting.

okaaaaay polite is like tmr, first school we are playing with is SP.
yawwww. so exciting(;

love you all e314.

9:52 PM

20061022

haha.
hello joseph(;

OH MY MAN.
i got an A again.
seriously.... i hope this doesnt spell out biasness.
but the favour of God.

10:56 PM

mineee

for the past few months, i have went for so many emotional deaths of people, whom i love dearly.
well, not physically though.
and i miss two of them badly, now.
i miss the dead person, not them whos alive now.
i wish i could say their names out here, but, haha. whats the point, dont you think? whats the point.
yeh, noone can take your place here, inside tho

and yes celia honey, en-joy.
to add joy
(;
we will enjoy what we do. or do what we enjoy.

i have been getting "A"s quite alot since school started, and sometimes i just feel so bad for getting that grade when i know i did not give my best that day or maybe i know theres someone in cls who did better as compared to me.
desdes said its the favour of God over my life.
sort of pushes me, to do earn the grade and show that you deserve it.

polite is coming up next week.
and im really excited.
i want to winnnn!!!
republic vb girls! jiayou:D
hawhaw

service at the Singapore Biennale today was alrights. quite boring though cause the site that i was posted too practicaly has not much exhibits. ); after that i went over to Singapore museum to see the other art works. and it was awesome, really.
well. altho i have to say the works there are pessimistic, cynical and sadistic. and i find myself having a certain keen interest towards them. i think its just perspective and not.... depression or emoie right hawhaw
that why last 2lessons of culture was mmy favouriteeee! (; interpreting, analyzing and understanding artworks. i like.
heh.

THE scholarship, is janjans.

1:26 AM

20061018

who

happy 201th entry.
how time flies.

anyway. sending out my love to debster, alex, zhizong and weilis.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY everyone. (;

looking at the model of a girl whos holding a volleyball on my table made me think of what and how i have become who i really am. and, throughout the past5,6 years of playing ball was truly an experience worth looking back at. another 2 more years to go in team republic. i wonder what my days would be.
and a feeling which can never be described is when you really jump up there, using ur palm and all your strength youve got left to spike the ball down. and your opponent not being able to receive it is something worthwhile. extremely. that immense joy and satifaction can never be expressed in words.
i thank God for giving me teammates like my girls. and people whos always there to cheer me on when i need it.
And honestly, although im not exactly “NO1 REPUBLIC VOLLEYBALL PLAYER” like what they all call me(; im still somehow thankful for where I am today, in terms of skills and relationship with the team. And these 3 very important people in my life I play ball for, my motivation.
i love the game, and the people so much. thats why i want to let them what i see in You. and im going to make it happen. This is my vision, and I am going to guard it, until I graduate from RP.

I wish I have 100hours a day in my hands. So that people wont have to read my blog to know whats going on, or I don’t have to read other peoples blog to know whats going on. Don’t you think? (;

Today I went to cut my hair at kimage and the aunty was praising to me about mummy. And I feel really good and proud and delighted altogether! It feels good when people praise the people I love a lot. That shes pretty, or hes handsome, or she improved a lot maybe what a smart girl. (;

who, wants to disciple me?

This is not my battle, it is Yours.

9:06 PM

20061015

do you know?

be of good cheer!
we can choose to see amusing moments in the midst of confusing and dark times.

today she called me when i was at home after work.
my heart was so burden that i knew i had to visit her.
and this time, i shall not procrastinate.
im not miss procrastinator alr :D
hawhaw.

do you know that cholestrol is good for you?

10:42 PM

20061014

encouraged

very discouraged just before service today,
and teared by the grief.
but during worship,
God said "my dear girl, you said you want a bigger&greater heart. so here, go through this"
and i know what He wanted to teach me, and what i need to learn.

im really happy she came today.

bumped into sis yahlan in the washroom today agn(:
she just looked at me for a few seconds and said, "janis, ni shou le ah"
HAHA.
okay, apart from that that made me glad, :D
i just knew during that few seconds she encouraged me, through my spirit.
to pick myself up agn and go.

its BF season.
thats why.
nevermind janjan.
go again.

thanks hz,celia&wee.
(:

11:36 PM

20061013

YYYYUUUU

the beauty of tourette. i sat the train to orchard ystd with khalis. he is one funny person. haha. and it was really funny. the big man who has his constant fits of tourettes. (;

cg bbq was really good.
i finally felt, i knew what i am doing altogether.
so come along now wee.. as we go for Christ.
the thing is, i miss the look on their faces.
like what John said, a cg is not just any random grp of pple. but its a random spiritual family. with people tog as one of different flaws and weaknesses. and they are sent to be there for you. to fulfil your purpose and run with you, your vision.
i want to be there for you all.
even if we are not close.
even if we are alr good friends.
even if its so weird b/w us.
even if i know you for less than a month.
even if youre dry.
even if youre fired up and pumping.
and lastly, i want to run with you, hz.
i knew this decison i made, is going to leave me with strained relationships.
its a risk.
but somehow, i know this time what im doing.
and this time, not by my own emotions but.
because i know what i am doing.
for You only.

i looked at my problem straight in the eye.
well done, jan.

1:16 PM

20061012

promise

"i wonder,for every promise you broke.how many promises youve to fulfill,to make up for that broken one."

celias.

i wish the promise u made were never made.
but its okay, i guess i promised God a million things. but myself cant fulfil it.
so, im going to let it go. as of today.
of the promise you made.
:D

3:17 PM

20061011

forever???

hey michelle(;
well, if they really do care. then i hope theyll show it and that i can feel it cause i wont want to care for someone and them not realising it, or myself. not knowing it.
bless you too honey(:

you know what i have learnt.
never to use the word "forever" or "always" cause, no men i know for sure can ever fulfil the destination of that word. dont you think?
well, okay. maybe just one man. and thats the one i would ever need.
I CANT POSSIBLY HAVE 2HUSBANDS IN FUTURE RIGHT. hawhaw

im like at jurongeast now. macs. like what am i doing here with hui. hawhaw.

cecilia blessed me with this book "Hope for woman's soul"! i was really like eyeing on it already la then she got if for me. oh man. thankkkk youuu CECILIA SOH!!!! you always wanna make me cry la.

haha. you know. its really the small things can make me super happy alr, and what more about this blessing. (;
its going to be my blessing everyday.
read the first chapter already and it taught me about laughter with God. it says wherever God is, there is always joy and laughter.
theology of laughter. i want to die from laughing. haha. okay. that was a joke.

:D :D :D

its 6pm now. and im praying for you.

ystd during pm. i know He told me to be more serious esp in the area of evangelism. and thought back of those i brought and wasnt dilligent and let them go without much fight.
im going to learn my lesson and fight for those, i bring. (:

im janjan leh.

5:48 PM

20061009

heart.

"Somethings just aren't meant to be yours.Or somethings,you'll destroy or it'll destroy you if you hold onto it.I told myself,I'll be careful with the things I hold now.I'll put down the things I know I cannot afford to hold,and hold tightly the things I need to hold.Maybe you'd tell me I'm selfish,how cna I neglect some of them.But the thing is,I can't hold it if its not for me!Somebody else will pick it up,and you never know,it might be the rightful owner."

johns blog(:

i hope you dont mind this tho.

touched celia and I.

lesson learnt. i should watch what i say. and blog about. (:

sometimes, i wonder what goes on in your mind. haha. and sometimes i should stop wondering what goes on in your mind.
thank you for still replying nicely.

anyway! on a happier tone!
i really had a good time today. had lunch with mom and pops and do. then went to send jo off at the airport. gonna miss my darling sister alot. then waited for wee to reach the airport, hung around with him in guardian till like 430. went off to clementi to meet hui and des for dinner. ended up with huimin(huis sis), spenc and joy. haha. some mini-class outing. ate some jap food ard clementi interchange. and yes thank you des for treating me (it was really nice of you) hawhaw our pooooor $2.90 laters headed back to mac to play scooby-doo. heh.
okay. this is the first time in a long time since i last talked about my day haha.

okay, i was reading john's blog. and felt really encouraged and blessed.
you know, there are many times that i have broken God's heart. and a broken heart really hurts, that im sure of. and like, i have been disobedient many times. when i know, I KNOW, He told me to let go i still held on to it so tightly. and now, i have to bare the consequences. not like a couple of months is that easy to bare. no, it wasnt. honestly. and i find myself trying to find someone to blame for all the lostness i feel. but at the end of the day, it isnt about them. you know JANJAN. they already have moved on, but youre still sitting here dwelling in self-pity, at the end of the day, they arent going to feel the pain that you thought they caused you, YOU ARE. you are at the end of the day, the victim of your very own schemes.
it hurts to fall, i know. and i know that whoever is reading this now, has fallen many times in your life. and sometimes, the falls just seem so DARN difficult to get back up on track. but. God has already promised you. and i know, my God doesnt lie.
i feel like a wreck. and a happy child at the same time altogether. i dont want to disappoint the people who has invested in my life with their time, efforts and energy encouraging me.

what do you really want?

i want to love e314 more. not as a whole, but individually, each and every single person i want to love. i want to run the vision with my leader, i want to fight for her. this is my desire. to run the vision with my leader, always. and i hope to be given this chance. and i never want to lose it.
apart from that, i remembered what June said to me, Sis Yah Lan has got a big umbrella, that she contains so many people. "you can be the influence" ive never forgotten.
Sis Sharon, Xin Ying and Desmond are the people whom i really look up to, who taught me so much throughout the course of my life here in the house. they really have this love flowing out of them and i know that no men can ever provide such love to the people around them. and it is the love of God. i want to be like them, but God-created. Janis(;

Janis, i know you are going to make it this time.

you are not going to take anything away from me, and i am not letting you do so too.

2:01 AM

20061008

2months

i fatfat you.

12:56 AM

20061007

onetreehillepi15

"if having things turn out the way you wanted them to
theres a measure of a successful life
then some would say i am a failure
the important thing is
not to be bitter over lifes diasppointments
learn to let go of the past
and recognise that everyday wont be sunny
and when you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair
remember
it is only in the black of night that we can see the stars
and those stars
lead you back home
so dont be afraid to make mistakes and stumble and fall
because most of the time
the greatest reward comes from doing things that scare you the most
maybe you get everything you wished for
maybe you'll get more than you ever could have imagined
who knows where life will take you
the road is long and in the end
the journey is the destination"

depicted from One Tree Hill season3 episode15 (;

2:06 AM

20061004

hhhha?

i found happiness in the midst of my sadness.
(;

contridicting but kinda true. hawhaw

11:48 PM

20061003

AWWW3

came home feeling extremely exhausted, i felt i gave my best today and im proud of you jan. (; so i was just saying to daddy, im hungry. and he made magi mee for meeee!!! at like what 11pm. sigh, i feel so blessed really. it makes me feel more for dad, i want to see both him and mom to know HIM, who has made me happy all these while.
its really really the little things that makes me even happier..

the cookies huihui baked for me! (;

the magi mee dad made for me with much loveee and mu gua niu nai from my darling sister!

haha. and the love from weewee, coconut milk over red bean soup. :D

thank You for such a good time during training today. (; giving You all glory!

11:28 PM

20061002

3things

oh man, 3 things happened today that made me feel so touched!!

1.qiong zhi, a china girl from class wrote this in her msn nick:
"Yinqi!! thank you help me, i am very very appreciate and like you!!"

2. huihui baked some cookies and gave them to me in the morning!!

3.spenc went dwn to help me take my pay and shared with me some stuff, thanks for trusting me too spenc! you know what hawhaw

in conclusion,
its the little things that make janjan happy ;D
oh and yes, its all worth it. (;

10:06 PM

fwb

;D buy for janjan?
hawhaw

10:16 AM

20061001

courage

i dont know why, i just love You. and i really cant bare for a second, to live a day without You. when i called, You answered. when you spoke, i didnt listen and did what pleased me, and my flesh. but still You loved me.
to please You, and no other.
courage.

"i felt that when u r connected to God, what is ur desire becomes His desire..."
"where shld u exactly be? ask urself.. live ur life to the fullest! Phil Pringle says Do what you love, and love what u do!"
"let this building fund bring u ur breakthru.. target wat u want.. know ur vision, sow ur very best for it... if u build God a house, God will surely build urs too"

i hope that this can be an ancouragement to you, like how it has been for me.

what should i be doing now?

where should i be?

what are my plans?

what are my visions?

you have spoken, Lord. and now i shall be obedient.

anw, thank you. des(:

11:36 PM