Youre my feet when i cant move on

20060729

welcome home

goodmorning world.
sometimes, i dont know if it is a good thing or what. to have the sweetest dreams and in turn waking up knowing its just a dream, no intention of turning into reality.
OR.
to have the worse dream ever, and in turn waking up knowing reality is your sweetest dream.

cg message shot right at the green spot. when everything is nice and lovely and happy, we just dont need to think of God, like what for do we need God and stuff. but its only when we are in the darkest valley, when nobody is really around, then we start crying out for God.
and, i thought. You know. its really good to have someone to share your joy with you? when they get good grades, they turn to you, getting married, they tell you first and stuff? so, i guess its the same for God. He really wants to be happy together along with me..us. but so often. we dont. but just neglect the fact that He was the one who provided it for us.

season3 of OTH, hailey did come back after all. so i guess nathan is a happy man now. there is so many times i tried giving chances to prove that people wont leave and that this person or that person is gonna stay in my life, like what they have promised. but, it also seems like i am always always wrong. tell me then. what should i do.

oh God, i miss my bestfriend then alot..

in class yesterday, i looked at everyone. and almost died smiling. its like, theyre my answers to my prayers. it was so so tough to go through last year alone to take my O's and stuff and constantly prophesied over myself that i am going to school next year (2006) and meet new people. i really like the people in class alot. and everyone seems to be just who they really are, thats the reason why conflicts take place, and that is why cliques are formed, isnt it?
and, the little little things that they do, to me or someone else just makes me smile.
and. im really glad i have made friends whom i can share my heart out to. and i really wanna keep some of them close to my heart, always.
aiyo. love you la wong,des,da ge, joyci, cheryl, minky, ky, mel, johnson, hyder, spenc, rex, cheewei, naz, faiz, marissa, izz, saf, ziying(my first friend in RP), rena, hui, minli, ningchen and alan!

my kueytutu, meehoonkuey, potato rings girlfriend. I LOVE YOU. and i really want to be a friend there for you. To be your listening ear when everyone goes deaf, for you to talk to when everyone goes mute. (:
uncle lee, thanks for always always ALWAYS encouraging me in the word. I really think youre being sent by Him. You have made a difference. (:

its amazing how typing out how i feel can make me feel awhole lot better.
btw. my tag boards, really cranky. so you dont hafta tag. heh.
i like the small conferences i have with debbie and sihui over msn. when we just cant stop telling whats going on with our lives and in the volleyball arena. and it just dont stop.
aiyo. celia you darling la. thanks for msging me to meet to go down for service with me later.
hello pastries.

and finally, sorry for the extremely long post. heh heh:D

10:32 AM

20060728

change

i consider it pure joy really to be able to take my time to walk to school everyday and not cleave to the morning rush that everyone is engaged in. and the greatest luxury to walk alone especially mornings i must say. heh.

celia, i cannot thank you enough. really.
i love seashells alot since today. id say the most beautiful thing God created. made from the nature, calms and to be hearing the sound of the sea in it.
*hmmm. do they actually sell seashell necklaces?

sometimes i feel like im still dreaming.
ashes to ashes. dust to dust.

7:38 PM

20060726

whitepaintings.

WHITE PAINTINGS.

a white painting without any other colours, but actually white is a colour, that everyone seems to have failed to see its beauty.
do you call it forsaken beauty then?

feels very much like his death. crying for a lost loved one.

"Pro 16:9.. " A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps"
God will know where He wants u to be... seek God and u will find the place where u belong... "
-sigh, thank you des.

im sorry Father.
i dont want anything or anyone else, i just want You.
and You and You and You alone.

11:21 PM

20060724

Jesus is my bestfriend.

JESUS is my best friend.

and thats all i would ever ask.

"we all stumble and fall at times, but that's not the point. Its how you walk out of it that matters."
thank you hz.

10:07 PM

tears

"so go out there and help create all the happy endings you can.

dont be afraid of tear- your own or others. you will have your share of Good Fridays, but Easter will come.
Remember, moist eyes are good. Trembling lips are acceptable. Quivering voices wont hurt anybody. Through tears may disorient some people but they are signals there is something deeper to be understood.
Go ahead and let the tears flow. But know too, that the blue of heaven is far bigger than gray clouds beneath.
And the Lord doesnt waste them."

-BARBARA JOHNSON

celia was sharing with ivy and i, saying that God doesnt waste our tears. He collects and keeps them. And when we get to heaven, we will see our tears, whether is it a bottle, a pool size or maybe even a fountain.
(:
well. i was really enlightened.
*slobbers wet kisses on you too!* hawhaw.

12:27 PM

20060723

bobo

yooohooo.
guess what. im in caylins office desk right now. haha. waiting for her as she finishes "pleasing" the residents. heh. life has moved on so quickly ey. and i thought just now, we were still in class 4e sitting beside each other and now. she has her own office desk. despite her leaving, im still glad her heart still has the Father. (: with pin-ups around desk walls and post-its to remind herself, she still belongs to Him.
sigh. and im still anticipating your come-back honey. LOVE YOU.

6:57 PM

20060722

lesley pearse

lesley pearse said the thing she detests the most is,
the lack of loyalty.
and the thing that drives her to write even more, is to imagine people, her readers holding on to her book reading them, at home, on the bus, waiting for a class to start or by the beach.

(:

2:33 AM

20060721

LETS GO BABY.

ive been staring at the blank screen for the past 10minutes, and i dont know what to type.

i learnt alot during class today.
jodi picoult is a really good writer and im enjoying reading her books.
desmond questioned by purpose here in RP, and i am really encouraged by his words. to seek first the kingdom of God and His righteouness and all things shall be added unto me.
im not looking forward to waking up early tmr to see everyone not at home, well except faithful dusty whos always there.
i am looking forward for service tmr.

you know. just for that perfect ball that went straight down on the floor without the opposing team getting my ball and winning a point for my team at the expense of my back, and. it was only training. was it worth it?

hello redbaby. i thought i could see you today, but i guess you were too busy. let me know when youre free and ill accomodate to your timing to my best ability.
thank you for the sudden "i love you" this evening, cecilia. (:

okie janis. tomorrow is the day that the Lord has made, i will rejoice and be glad in it.
wipe that last tear and say LETS GO BABY! :D:D:D

11:40 PM

20060720

dear Father

Dear Father,
i dont care if i am alone anymore.
people come in, and people walk out.
and i just want to be able to find my sercurity in You all over again.
even if its going to take me my life to overcome, i would.
i thank You for those who have left the fondest footprints in my heart.
Because theyve made my life a million times happier.
and i really love them so so much.
itll be pain, to just let go, i know.
for a piece of my heart goes with them.
But i pray for people who is going to stay and fight for me all the way.
even when circumstances fails them.
or the people around condemns them.
i know the coming process is going to hurt like crazy.
to find a perfected one.
But You have promised me Your strength.
And Youre a God who doesnt lie.
I may cry in Your presence,
but my heart will always be stronger than my tears.
well, it is just, 8kilometres away.. isnt it?
love, janis

and ive learnt, the beauty of memories(:

10:41 PM

20060719

courage

the courage of brother joseph.

*
"sometimes we need to lower down our expectations for the people we love"
i really dont like fighting when the going is this down already.

He told me years ago, to let my heart be stronger than my tears.
i guess this piece of advice would come in handy.

"for without faith, it is impossible to please God."
faith, to see your relationships improving, to see your studies getting better, to see you abundant in your financies, to see you doing well in sports, to see you write the best article ever, to see you being the stonghold for God.

10:02 PM

24th..

and i am already at home.
today it ended really early and i left early too.

im just anticipating for 24th august. sorry for being such a spoiler guys.
anyways. wong, i hope everything turns out fine for you? cause i wanna go trainings with you and see you around in school when we change class alrights. i know how weird this is, but ill be praying for you (:

i miss my dear friend?
):

and they sang together, in harmony waiting for the skies to be clear again. until the angel came, and rested with them.
itll never always be "ALRIGHTS" isnt it?
(:

2:46 PM

20060718

friend,

Father,
i pray You hear me when i pray.
Speak to me when i talk to You.
listen to me when i cry.
i know is may all seem so small to You.
but its taking out alot from me.
and the fire is ceasing.

10:49 PM

endolphine.

why do i dreeaaaaddd schhooool.
):
i feel like eating ice cream but its only 10am.
oh God. YOU ARE MY ENDOLPHINE(:
sigh.
"trust in His heart when you dont see His hand"

***
lunch was so filling):
now im sleepy.
EEEER HAAANNN is mine. aiya. im like talking nonsense.

10:02 AM

20060717

my friend.

the one who calls me without fail everyday to talk to me.
the one who buys an extra halls aweet for me.
the one who makes me laugh anytime.
the one who asks if im hungry and if i wanted to eat.
the one who knows both my cell phone numbers by memory.
the one who knows why parents names.
the one who asks how dusty is.
the one who wants to sit beside me.
the one who feels one hour is better than nothing.
the one who would go down and fight the boy who bullied me
the one who asks if my sis has a job already.
the one who makes sure i go for training.
the one who walks me home at night.
the one who doesnt copy the words i use.
the one who presses my back when im aching.
the one who makes sure i dont over eat.
the one who makes sure i do my quiet time at times.
the one who hears me talk about my day.
the one who bares the nicest hug.
the one who i enjoy sitting the train with.
the one who makes me feel im the nicest friend ever.
the one who suan me like crazy but i know loves me like crazy too.
the one who thinks the one's burps smells good.
the one who calls me on the cell phone when i am out of town.
the one who calls me when the one is out of town.
the one who thinks i am in love with the one. (haha!)
the one who says "what" nicely.
the one who laughs with a shriek.
the one who calls me when the one gets up.
the one who calls me when the one goes to bed.
the one who got me the green toy with dodgy sweets.
the one whom i love the most amongst the rest.
(:
a friend nobody can replace.
i can just go on and on la.
and again, i have no intention of sharing you with anyone else.
raaah.
AND I DONT JUST RMB THE BAD THINGS OKKAAAY.

*tsk. my bf better be better or ill die a widow with a broken heart. haha.

4:59 PM

ashes.

I will read ashes for you, if you ask me.
I will look in the fire and tell you from the gray lashes
And out of the red and black stripes,
I will tell how fire comes
And how fire runs as far as the sea.
-CARL SANDBURG "Fire Pages"

i love this poem alot(:
when i have a boyfriend, this is going to be the first poem i am going to give him.
hoping he appreciates this as much as i do.
haha. ive got pretty high expectations baby.

*
i love seeing people getting healed during healing services. and i love even more to see them getting healed even before people laying hands on them. the true power of God.
He loves you too much to see you sick.
cant wait for rev mike connell. delieverance for the emotions.

1:36 PM

20060716

the rose that doesnt prick my fingers.

11:47 PM

keepers.

i have not had such a good laugh for a very long time already. and im very glad i did. went to cartel with celia,ivy and robin. playing the scoobeeedoooo game desmond taught me. and we did dares. and it was crazy. which was like super embarressing. ill gladly fill you in. hawhaw. i really had the time of my life. thank youuu darlings.
i laughed so hard, my tummy hurt. i laughed so much i knew i would going to have a nightmare that night, but i didnt. i dreamt my bestfriend watched me sleep and i dreamt auntie corina came back into my life.

a child's smile is a delible art. tattoo.
i agree(:

i miss you caylin and lester.
that sometimes i ache.
ill pray God watches over, always.

i dont want your leftover love.

7:18 PM

20060715

worth.

"wha! good one janis!"
ill say it made my entire time, and made me feel that EVERYTHING is just worth it. the fight and sweat and tears. like as if i was just fighting for that 4 words.
the power of praise.

*

and thank you jessie. for the nice gesture. (: for the haagen dazs ice cream just when i wanted one, to add the decreasing endolphines in me. heh.
it was really very nice of you.

ice creams sure make me a little happier for the day(:
*

what people do for love.

12:52 AM

20060713

c=c?

hydrocarbon.
alkenes.
and alkanes.
someone please pass me the fruit knife.

10:16 AM

20060712

smile?

the family that doesnt smile.

11:02 PM

20060711

RUpaul.

we are doing media today.
advertisments.
i like.
but i wished we could go into the functions of the designing and having those creative ideas. (:

we decided to use Rupaul to promote some anti-ageing product. he's so pretty. and he's so handsome. i cant decide which. hawhaw.

i wonder what goes on in the mind of men of that sort. and remembered the kinky boots show when i watched with jo. and the drag queen said to the owner of the shoe shop, "every woman longs for a man that functions like a woman".
how true.
hawhaw.
*
"did you look at that girl? she's so ugly" about else one who just walked past her.
another "she stole my boyfriend and she's so ugly"
ugly.
a word used to freely.
im so disgusted.
*

so. did you think Rupaul decided to "change" because he was being called, ugly?
or had some emotional issues?
oh God bless his soul.
*

HAWHAW. today aaron came to school with his friends as one of ems from rp. and i got the shock of my life. haha. so FUNNY. finally theres someone to visit me in RP. was really haaaaaaaappy. (:
aiya. fatfat you la fatty.

training was alrights. i yearn for greater performance all round tho. never mind. GO JNS GO!!!! you can man. look at you. haawhaaw. the child of the most loving God. (: HELLOS to my muah chee cup cake mee hoon kuey bab bab ah! lets not give up this fight alrights. and give our best till the cows come home honey. :D

11:19 AM

20060709

oh well

.
why do people always ALWAYS take me and then drop me all over again?
i dont know about the "some never" part this time.
enough is said.

some things or rather some people can just never be replaced by someone else.

4:36 PM

20060707

cries of JOY?

i just dont know why people frequent there every weekend just for a few hours of "cries of joy". maybe ill never know how it all actually feels but one thing for sure i know, its not worth it. just by the way how these people protray their lives, their lifestlye and the words that they choose to use. i know nothing really good comes out of it.
i dont think ill ever have a mate, so dear to me. with these ways.
oh well.
*
i thought of blk857(:
the good times with tippy and the neighbourhood kiddos just like me. the times when we would just look forward to 530pm and lung out bicycles out to play in the big open park. when i would know every single pet owner and entrusting their pet's leash unto my hands. when the boy, johnny whom i had a crush on didnt know i liked him and hes sister jenny was my good friend. and everytime in jenny's place i would peak into johnny's room. and how ive gotten so close to auntie corina who lived a few blocks down that she brought me to orchard to walk around and eat jack's place. (: when the malay macik who has ten over kittens recognises me cause ill always pop by her place to play with the kitties. and that whenever she would make kuey kuey, she'll never fail to leave some aside for me.

haha. i know you dont really know whats really going on here, but. aiya. just a thought i had in the car on my way home today.

i called wee just now to confirm some issues. and he was so excited. to tell me how ministered he was during cell last night. this is, my friend. in Christ. and ill say, thats what i like about our friendship. when we would share our dreams and visions in the Lord. and whom constantly edify me in God's ways.
thats all i ever ask of for in a friendship.
A Godly friend, lasts. (:

okieee. im excited for tmr night, im going soccering with wong and rest after service tmr. HEH. yayyyyy!!!!

9:57 PM

20060705

DARLING

(:
itll be all fine.
aiyo. flu go away flu.
*
went simei with my darling debster! (: aiya. shame the sizes were weird. but anyways. we had really fun going to look at the animals. ahhh. my heart just melt there you know. i love animals alot, more than children honestly.
gulps.
i love animals of all sorts. that soft spot for them. heh.
after that had lunch with my darling fatty in town! (: aiyo. nice la. we went to go find tiff at isetan to disturb her. hawhaw. the stuff that shes sellings. classiiiccc baby. hawhaw. anyways. we didnt do anything much la. but it was just nice time honestly. okie. maybe it was alot of for him for playing with my arms! rah. i should seriously charge the next time round you know. i guess its true, when they say you dont need money to have all that fun. all you need is just a mate whom you love dearly and yourself even when youre sick. hawhaw. thanks again fatty. you always prove me wrong. (:
after that i went back to school for write republic @Loud's meeting, aiya. like so heh like that. and i saw like the girls from class la. haha.they must be thinking whats up with me man. heh. well. after that had training and went there with my darling siii. (: hahaha. todays training was alrights, felt i could have performed better. someone, ill pay you to remove the kan qiong-ness in me whenever im playing court. grr. haha. and im aching like mad now la can. ): did like tens and thousands of burpies. however you may wish to spell it.
-ill say i had a pretty nice nice day. (:

9:22 PM

walking instead.

i talk about doing so many things. but yet have done nothing.
i dont know whens the right time or the right place.
im so frustrated.
for 7months already.
a year ago, and now. to be compared. ive slided.
i really dont want to just sit here and dwell and dwindle in self-pity and scent aroma theraphy for the rest of my life. i want to do something instead of saying and saying and SAYING!!!! i really dislike others to just talk the talk and not walk the walk. and yet im doing the exact same thing.
please, i prophesy to the dry bones..
*

"make a decision and He will empower you"
i made the decision, but did not "do" the decision.
JANIS, moveeeeee..!

*
i want to talk about what happened ystd(:
laters, i guess..

12:29 PM

20060703

blessed!

im blessed once again.
(:
got a new nice green watch, and i like it alot.
with the love from my darlings debster and siii(:
haha. i think urbanconcept's people super entertained by us. hawhaw. i guess itll make my day if i had made ones day eh.
well.
we were in adidas looking around, and we saw aaron teo and zhizong! haha! so funny. and the best thing was, despite havent talked to zhizong for ages, he still spoke to me like as if we were still bestfriends in primary school la! HAHA. i remember the times when he fought with the guys to get my P.E teeshirt back for me cause they were disturbing me la. bwahaha.
so heart warming, the days it was :D

*
zhizong "you all still meet up ah"
me "ya, every now and then, still very close. then you and aaron also?"
zhizong "ya.this kind of thing very hard to break one."

its really hard to break...
beams!

11:51 PM

CRISTIANO*

my throat is killing me. :S
and im stuffing myself with water and pi pah gao candies.
anyways. went to malacca over the weekend. for 2days. ate alot and walked alot too. hawhaw.
anyways, it was really tiring tho.
*
watched the england and portugal match. haha. first time i watch soccer until so exciting can. jumped out of my seat for a few thousand times. hahaha. anyways, shame englands out, but at least now portugal has got a new proclaimed fan. hawhaw. cristiano ronaldo! whoo. ay. was like super mesmerized by his skills and how he play, and the best thing is, to realise that he was hot too. bwhaha.
*
IM EXCITED!
(:
for after school to come. heh. im really exhuasted and not feeling exactly the best of health either. im going out with debster and ah na laters! aiyo. like so nice like that. its been quite some time since i last spoke or hung out with them.

was just thinking.
some a random thought.
how nice would i be if i can have fatty,debster and ah na all for myself.
just dont want to share.
i can be a selfish brat at times.
oh well.
but then again, theyll all have new bestfriends and new people in their lives to find and talk to eh. cant point the gun in their faces. SIGH.
just have to treasure the times now..
even my darlingest mates are like that, i think ah if i ever have a boyfriend, i think hes going to break up with me for being so posessive. HAHA.
i love you(:
*
haha. w16f are treasures la seriously. hawhaw. theyre like bringing all the plants from all over RP and the poster stand and the gymnastic mats to decorate the classroom. gosh. this is hilarious la. (:

11:23 AM